Family – xangst

everyone will not like you and you won’t like everyone

it can’t be explained in any easy way. it goes back to the saying – “it is what it is and it ain’t what it ain’t”. so here it goes –

when you are young, you want everyone to like you and you think everyone should like you. but you quickly find that some people don’t like you through bullying, etc.

at that point, you don’t think about it too much – it’s like – on one hand, these are my friends and on the other hand,these are people that i don’t really know so they are not my friends – and some pick on me for no apparent reason so they must not like me. this is all very straight forward.

as time goes on, you do acquire many friends through various stages of life – but many of these friends move on -some because you physically move away and others because they don’t like you anymore or you don’t like them anymore. this is harder to explain and you start to wonder – “maybe everyone doesn’t like me” – and you start to wonder am i an asshole or a jackass?

the short answer is simple – YES! (we can all be assholes or jackasses sometimes – accept this – we are human!)

the long answer explains it more and is the root of this entire concept – Yes, you can be a jackass or asshole to people that are your friends without even knowing it.

this is because the longer we are friends with someone, the more time we have to see parts of that person that we do not like. and sometimes, we get tired of dealing with these things that we have discovered that we don’t like about this person and we move on – putting them on the non-friend list.

and definitely vice-versa – they do the same to us – and this is why you are not going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like you.

bottomline – no one is perfect or will be seen as perfect in our eyes or their eyes – and we determine that life is way too short so we move on.

we need to accept this reality – and not get upset for too long – and move on.

2nd bottomline – move on and don’t get upset – and keep spending time with the people who have not reached the point of no return.

side note – with family – you can’t move on – so get used to the things that you do not like and accept them.

cowards

when a friend or relative becomes a coward it is a shocking thing to witness. this means that they don’t want anything to do with you anymore but don’t have the guts to tell you to your face. imagine being friends or relatives (through in-laws) for 25 years and then one day you are not. in the in-law scenario – you are still related but just not friends anymore. imagine having a wife and 3 kids with the wife also being related to the in-law for 50+ years – and the whole family is snubbed by this person that you loved and trusted – like a true brother. this person has now become a coward and you will never see them again – maybe at a wedding or a funeral – but they won’t show up – not because of you but because they don’t care for anyone in the family. the patriarch passed and this person saw the chance to get out too. i don’t really care anymore – though i did for awhile – this big brother figure snubbing me in a cowardly way – i couldn’t believe it until i saw the snub with my own eyes. we traveled thousands of miles to visit relatives and there was a family gathering – all showed except the coward. he couldn’t drive 10 minutes to see the sister-in-law that he loves and the nieces that he has professed love towards – the message was loud and clear – good-bye to me and my family – but hopefully he can be there for my family, especially my wife – i don’t care about me anymore – he is dead to me. the memories were good but you turned out to be a person that couldn’t go all the way. am i being dramatic – yes – but it is the truth and i will say no more about it from this day forward – life is too short – we don’t have time to waste on people that don’t have time for us – wake up and move on

teens

as kids enter teens – you quickly start to see the attitude changes and the opportunity for parent/teen conflicts goes up 1000%. you are appalled by their behavior towards you – so you lash out at them – you yell more – you might even call them names without thinking. it happens fast and before you know it – you have acted rough towards them and you feel regretful immediately. you need to apologize to them quickly and keep telling them to care more for others, especially family. as you have heard forever – these are the trying times until they get older and start being nice again. you just need to take it slower – recognize that you are over-reacting – and be more patient. bite your tongue and don’t lash out as much – it will help avoid bad memories in the future.

the talk

not including the “no premarital sex” path followed by some and just focusing on “the talk” that you give your teenagers – this is how it should go:

you want to be very clear and very blunt – and you want to definitely give it to them by 16 – when they start more serious dating. we all know what teens are capable of regardless of what they tell you. you want to tell them that things can happen and they need to be prepared – and they need to tell their parents the truth – to a certain extent – so everyone is on the same page and no mistakes are made. there comes a time when you realize time is going fast with your kids, especially when they hit 16 and approach 18. you have to give up the long held belief that nothing will happen until they are 18 and legally adults. things will happen before then and as they get closer and closer to 18, there is less and less you can do about it. so instead, be straight with them about the perils they could face and even advise them to take precautionary measures. reality is reality and it is what it is – no time to dance around the subject – get to the point and make an impact with your words.

familiarity

it does breed contempt – no doubt about it. this is another part of human nature that you cannot control. it is in all of us. even the people closest to us like family – we do not like everything about them – we can’t because no one is perfect and no one can meet every expectation you have. you like every part about them, but there is always one habit or behavior you dislike. the longer you know someone – the longer you are around someone – you will eventually find something that you do not like about them. this is not a bad thing – this is human nature and the “endless” march of time coming together. it is inevitable that this will occur. your best friend for 50 years – there is something you do not like about them. your spouse of 50 years – something that gets to you. your parents – eventually they get on your nerves – and you breed some contempt. as long as we know this is part of human nature – just like hate, love, war, jealousy, greed, kindness, etc – then we know it is a natural thing that is a part of who we are. it is ok if this happens but try to keep it in check or you might find yourself alone one day. just another thing we have to manage as we try to keep our grip and keep our place in society.

when it goes

when you see the mind start to go – it is a sad and terrible thing – especially in a parent. they can still talk to you and conversations are easy – but the confusion starts and the memory loss kicks in. though you can converse, there is not much detail anymore – general answers only. they can still eat, shower, read, clean up, dress – all the usual things in the normal way. but you do see the mind go a bit – repeating questions, repeating observations. you start to realize that things will never be the same. they can’t be alone anymore, they can’t remember to do the key things of each day – they can’t remember to eat or take their medicine – so even if they can do all the other things – if you don’t eat or take your meds – that is a problem – and it requires people to be there and to help get these things done to survive. as the child of the parent that is starting down this no-return path – you start to think about how will you set up the next stage for your parent – how do you make all the decisions – where will they live, how will they live – in a home or at home with the family. how much money is there to make these changes happen – to transition into this unfortunate phase. it happened quite fast – 6 months ago there was some forgetfulness – no biggie at the time – comes with older age – could last for years – but then in a flash – getting lost while driving the usual route, wandering down the street a bit, not getting dressed entirely – unusual things happening – and next thing you know, they are staying in your guest room and going home does not seem like a clear option anymore. you have to face it because they can’t face it anymore – their mind is in the last battle – trying to keep things normal but also knowing something is wrong which they can’t explain because it is their own mind that is confused – it is a never ending loop of confusion and the eyes are not as engaged as before – there is now a distance to them – brought on by this unseen confusion. you start to realize that when you talk with them, it won’t be remembered so you are really talking to yourself but it gives you comfort to hear them agree with you even though they don’t understand anymore. when you see the mind start to go, you realize that there is change coming – for them and for you

Cel

He was a generous man
He was a kind and caring man
He was a loyal man to his friends and family
He was a calm man
He was a thinking man
He was a very wise man
He took care of his family through and through – they had no needs or wants for Cel provided for everything
Cel was a very responsible man
He was a determined man
He was a man on a mission
He was a very accomplished man
He knew how to act in every situation
Friends and family looked up to him – and looked to him for guidance – for the right thing to do
Cel was an honest man and he didn’t need to say much to make you understand what he was thinking
He was a teacher as well – helping people along
If he had your back – you felt safe – he protected us all
He has taught us all lessons – we all have stories of how we learned from Cel

Cel is a man that will not be forgotten
He is a man that will be revered
We are all grateful to have Cel in our lives
Thank you Cel for everything you have done for us
We were lucky to have you

we have to accept all stages in life

this whole life thing can be confusing and can leave us just sitting there not knowing what to do or what to think about it all. but i think the one rule of thumb for getting through the idea of thinking about life is to not ponder on it too long. if we do ponder on why things happen and what is happening – it will leave us frustrated. this includes all the stages we go through and our kids go through – from youth to adulthood to old age. it is easier to ponder your own trip through these stages because you are personally living in these stages and you won’t feel sad about going from stage to stage – you will accept it rather quickly. you will say “wow, it is going fast and i am getting old” – but you will accept it – you have to. on the other hand – when it comes to accepting your kids going through these same stages – and you are there guiding them through the youth to adulthood stage – it can be more difficult to accept. you don’t want to see them grow up but you do want them to grow up. it not only accentuates your own march to the end but it just hits your heart to let go more and more. that is why we must not ponder on this too much – it will only hurt and confuse us more. you will ponder a bit – but then quickly move on with life. this is out of our control so no need to waste too many feelings in this area. each stage is exciting – so enjoy it, accept it – and don’t ponder for long – not healthy.

every child is different

you cannot compare one child to the next, you cannot compare one sibling to the next. each child has his/her own personality. each child has strengths and each child has weaknesses – just like every other person on this earth. your sibling is good at this and you are good at that. you have to recognize your strengths and weaknesses and you have to embrace them. you cannot compare yourself to others. you will live the life your are supposed to live. one might take a traditional path and be very happy – and another might take the path less traveled and be happy. one might go to this college and one might go to that college – and both can be very happy with their path. one might take this job and one might take that job – both being happy. one might live in the country and one might live in the city – both happy. do not compare yourself to others – because you are not them and they are not you. otherwise you will be miserable over something you cannot control.

real beauty

the real beauty is there hidden deep below the outer beauty. you see the outer beauty – you love the outer beauty – you move forward with the outer beauty – it dictates all the early moves in life. but as time goes on, you start to see the real beauty of a person – you start to see just how beautiful they really are – in the things they do, in the things they say – in all the moves they make in life – in all the action they take – you see their real beauty. this is the beauty that sustains a relationship, a marriage, a partnership. you don’t even know that you see this real beauty because you are too close – but then one day it hits you. you are in love with the real beauty of this person. they are real and they are with you and they are beautiful. the outer beauty can wane – but the real beauty flourishes and grows – you see it blossoming higher and higher. when you see this real beauty – you don’t think about outer beauty as much – you don’t look around as much – you only see the real beauty next to you and you want more and more – there is no reason to look for outer beauty. look at the person next to you and see the real beauty – see the person that has been through all the ups and downs with you – and see how their real beauty has surfaced and pushed you through these things. when you know this and see this – you will never look away again.