xangst – visions from a treadmill

parents fight about the kids

once the kids go off to college or jobs – and leave the nest – you then start a new phase in your life. it is bittersweet for sure – but you get used to it and the empty nest is not that bad at all. the kids need to create their own lives as well – this is life and we must accept it.

but one thing starts to stand out when the kids are gone – you and your spouse fight less. now why is that? it is because the kids are not around. there has always been that issue where you and your spouse can have different opinions when raising the kids – about all kinds of things. you think one thing and your spouse thinks another. this leads to arguments – in front of the kids.

the funny thing is once they leave the nest – you fight less but then when the kids are back home visiting – you pick right back up with arguing about the kids – in front of the kids. this also happens on the phone. many times – the kids will come with questions and issues about their lives – they want help, they want opinions from the parents. once again you start to argue about your opinion, etc.

what can we do? someone has to step back and stop the arguing – and maybe talk to the kids separately. it might be the best choice and it might be the natural choice. talk to the kids separately sometimes – it’s ok to have your own conversations with the kids. the kids can then talk to both of you separately and form their own opinion. it might just save the marriage and is a step you can take that is easy and obvious. make the adjustment.

nighttime worries

many nights we wake up and we worry. we worry about everything – relationships, finances, kids, work – we go through all of these worries and it hits us hard in the middle of the night. you feel helpless and you feel like things are really bad. you also think how am I going to go back to sleep – that is your main priority – but it is the worrying thoughts that really mess with our heads. it is not about going back to sleep – it is about telling yourself that these worries are not a huge deal. these things that you worry about will be worked out – you will figure it out. but at night, you think all is lost. when you wake up – you don’t feel that way at all. the nighttime worries prey on your insecurities. your mind goes to the worst scenarios. you must tell yourself that all will be ok in the morning because that is exactly how you feel when you wake up. the worries are not as bad – you get on with your day and you are not as worried as in the night. your goal is to remind yourself that this is a game that your mind plays on you – and that you always feel better in the morning. don’t take the worries too far at night and just wait for the morning to come

out of your control

look – things happen to all of us all of the time – and many of these things that happen are out of our control. it was not your fault – it happened out of your control. there was nothing you could have done to prevent this thing from happening. but we still feel bad and we still feel guilty. but we must understand that these things that happen out of our control is not our fault. you drive down the road and pebble kicks off the car in front of you and hits your windshield. is that your fault? no, not at all. you know this and i know this – but it still happened and it cost you money to fix – it was really just bad luck – that was out of your control. so don’t keep thinking about it and don’t keep blaming yourself. you must move on. you must put it behind you. there is no other choice. it’s like you can’t control what other people do or say. that also is out of your control. you are not supposed to control everything around you – that is not how the world works. the world works around you and you try to control the things in your area of the world. but like a stone hitting your windshield or a person doing or saying something unprovoked by you – are completely out of your control. so move on and stop thinking about it – it’s over – go forward and focus on what you can control.

stop thinking about the person you dislike

yes – we all dislike other people – that is a fact. but you need to stop thinking about the person you dislike – it is a waste of time.

and guess what – they are not thinking about you or the fact that you dislike them. you are the only one wasting energy in this area.

think about this – there are people that dislike you and you don’t think about them – right? – well do the same for the people you dislike – stop wasting space in your brain on them

do not worry anymore

there is no reason to worry.

yes, we all do worry. but you don’t have to worry anymore. you don’t have to worry because everything in your life is already predetermined. your path in life is already set. you don’t need to worry about anything. you just need to follow your path.

you need to establish a higher level mindset above all worry – above all fear. To know that your path is set and all you have to do is walk down it – frees your mind from all worry.

You don’t have to think why this or why not that. Everything is meant to be and happens for a reason because your path is already set in place.

This will allow you yo do whatever you want as long as you keep working hard and keep your resolve when times are tough.

Go get it! Do not overthink why did this happen or why did that happen. Everything happens for a reason to keep you on your predetermined path.

Put your mind above all actions, worries and fears – it is meant to be – go and be.

it’s good to cry once in awhile

we don’t cry that much and in fact it is quite rare to cry. people never see you cry and they don’t even think that you do cry. crying is looked at in society as bad and sad and weak and vulnerable. we are always taught to be strong and not to cry – which is fine most of the time.

But – crying is needed every once in a while. Things can build up over time – the stress of life, etc – and then a trigger will set it off – a sensitive event – usually something with family sets it off and then you just have to let it go. You can then get all of your frustration out – it becomes a healthy, healing event – you see it as a good moment – a much needed moment. People will be shocked but that is ok – they see you as a human being with feelings – don’t be embarrassed – just embrace it.

crying is a restart button – a refresh button – a part of life that we don’t realize we need. but we do need to cry – it’s ok – cry and start again.

recognize when you have gone too far with the “i don’t care” mindset

this is an important one because it can affect your life in a negative way

here is how it goes –

you finally say to yourself – “i don’t care”

i don’t care about what others think, i don’t care about what others say, i don’t care if we are not friends anymore, i don’t care if i don’t see you again, i don’t care, i don’t care

don’t get me wrong – it is a great mindset to free yourself from all this negative worrisome shit that has plagued you for so many years – not a debilitating plague – but just one that has always been there screwing with you

so yes – please say “i don’t care” BUT don’t take it too far

what happens sometimes with the “i don’t care” mindset is that you go too far and you starting arguing more with good people, you start causing issues with good people because you don’t care – you say – screw them – i don’t care – i am right, they are wrong – and this leads to conflict.

so – realize this is happening like i just did today and take a step back.

take a pause, take a chill pill, hold your gunpowder, think about meditating, make a change in your life to avoid conflict – this goes back to – know your audience – and just pulling back on the “i don’t care” mindset a bit.

don’t drop friends with different opinions

in today’s post covid world where there is disagreement and division everywhere – you need to stay the course with your original mindset. this is the mindset that you had back in your 20s, 30s, 40s, etc – you were less cynical and more chill.

i do agree that as we get older, we need to not care that much anymore about other people – what they think, what they say, etc.

but, as we turn people off that give us negative vibes so that we can focus on the last remaining years without all the BS and static – we must not go too far as to alienate the good people – the ones that you do like but where you might have a different opinion about things like politics, etc.

if a person is a true friend, you should not care what political or religious views they have. keep that stuff out of the conversations and focus on the friendship.

if you do judge a true friend on their political or religious views, then you are wrong.

know your audience to avoid conflict

a quick fix to reduce arguments with people is to think about who your audience is before you say something that might cause an issue. you won’t be able to predict every time what will set people off but if you know the person fairly well, you can set some preset parameters before you open your mouth

the crazy thing is that i just discovered this viewpoint because i have been arguing with people lately where i thought there could be no conflicts.

the reality is that everyone thinks in different ways about different things – and i am not talking about fiery topics like politics – i am talking about everyday normal things

if the person is a true friend and you don’t want to lose the friendship – then pause slightly before you engage and don’t drop in topics that could set them off. i am not saying handle people with kid gloves -just monitor your conversations more to create less drama, issues, etc

see things with fresh eyes

to appreciate what we have in life, we must look at things with fresh eyes once in awhile. we always think about how our life can be better – how we can have better things – a better house, a better car, a better neighborhood, etc.

we don’t realize that we already have many of those things.

as time goes on, the things you have lose their luster and you get used to seeing those things every day -so you start to think – why can’t i have something else – something that is better than what i have right now. but in reality – we already have these things

how can you tell? – try the fresh eyes trick. when you drive into your neighborhood, pretend like you have never been there before. look at the streets, houses and trees like it is the first time you are looking at them. do this when you drive up to your home – look at it like it is the first time that you have seen this home. look at these things from a new objective perspective.

you will be shocked! you will say – wow, look at this neighborhood – look at this house – just like you did when you really did see them for the first time.

you will then see how lucky you are already. stop wanting for things that you already have – be grateful.