refrain

me,me,me,me,me!  why does every thought have to be about me?  ah –it is because we talk to ourselves more than anyone else.  and the topic is usually about what am i going to say next.  you listen to a friend’s story and while they are telling the story, you start to think about what your story is about you on this topic.  it usually starts like this “I….”  it is always “i did this”, etc.  i would say that you need to practice the art of refraining.  in other words –please refrain from talking about yourself all the time.  this will make you more approachable and help you control your words more.  try to refrain –it will create a whole new you.

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think before you think

we teach our children as we were taught –don’t say mean or negative things to or about people –it will only lead to others judging you in a bad light.  but the reality is we need to look at the thoughts we have before anything comes out of our mouths.  we need to judge ourselves before others judge us.  we need to think about our thoughts.  we need to pause a thought before it goes out the door to the world.  yes, it is the old cliche again –think before you speak.  but i am talking about going deeper than that.  think before you think.  you need to say to yourself –“why am i thinking this negative thought about this person”  –well –we all know that instinctively we can’t help this from happening –it is human nature to think negative thoughts about someone, even if they are your best friend.  but it is more likely to occur if it is not your best friend.  so we need to hone in on that point –we need to think of everyone as our “best friend” to deflect the natural inclination to go negative.  for example –you see a person who is rude –think first –“this is my best friend” –that will halt the negative thought from starting –then you move on and your mind is clearer of negative thoughts.  yeah this could be a complicated approach, but something to think about.  on the other hand, just think before you think.  don’t let the negative thought form at all -stop it in it’s tracks -say to yourself –“i will not think this”.  I’m starting to try it and it seems to work.

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don’t talk about others

you know we all do it.  but when we do it, we reveal a part of ourselves that most don’t know about.  people would be shocked to hear what you have to say about them behind closed doors.  but the reality is you are doing yourself a disservice in the process.  you are letting yourself down by saying mean things about others and then being nice to their face.  you need to make both experiences the same – do not have conflicting thoughts about a person.   imagine this…… you say something about someone and then immediately think that person heard you.  you then panic and think –“what an ass i am” –but are you saying that about yourself because you think you are caught and now your other self will be revealed.  you are acting selfishly because if you did not think you were caught, you would go on as normal –still talking shit about people.  so–you feel bad and you say you will change.  but it turns out the person did not hear and you can still keep your other thoughts a secret.  you can go back to your old ways of talking shit….and most of the time you do.  but you shouldn’t –this should be viewed as a close call and a warning to stop this BS.  so, stop talking shit and bite your tongue once in a while.  get in this habit of not talking about others so much and it will make everything more positive.

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modesty

ah –this is one of the hardest things to practice.  we want to be modest, we don’t want to be an ass –but our inner self always pushes to be in charge and over-confident.  we are unstoppable and the world cannot live without us –and our job can’t do without us –we are too valuable to be let go! –obviously that is BS –but our inner voice does not know this –we are trained to be self-confident –but we must control these thoughts when our reputation, family, career are on the line.  we must get back in line and not jump out suddenly, tossing away all thoughts of modesty -this will only lead to trouble.  that is why when you are in a heated conversation –you must pause in your own mind and not say the absolute wrong thing –filter your words very carefully –and stay close to the modest line when in the thick of it –as you can always move forward from modesty in the future –but it is harder to back away from over-confidence and bravado.  this is not easy and emotions get in the way –you say to yourself –i am the “shit” and i want my way.  stop right there and go to modesty for the time being –it will help in the long run.  i am not saying to cower and not stand up for what you have accomplished –you do have rights and value –but don’t make any fatal moves –and modesty and help you keep away from the fatal moves.  even the most important person in the world must practice modesty –to remain relevant and to remain important in their own mind and in the world

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building walls

when we start off young in high school, college and soon after –we have no walls.  we have a mind of freedom.  we don’t see rules and boundaries.  we only see what is right in front of us and we go for it.  we don’t think it through.  we don’t wonder if this is the right thing to do.  we just do it.  that is the beauty of youth –no walls are up.  you meet friends quickly and you just go with it.  if a friend drops off –oh well –you are moving too fast to notice most of the time.  and the ones that stick with you, they become your lifelong friends.  it is a simple, easy process –that we don’t even have to think about –it just happens. you do have to work at it here and there-but a little loyalty goes a long way. 20 years later, you look at the friends you have and see who your best friends are –there are no questions.  you can go months without seeing them and when you do –no biggie –falls right back to the place of youth.   now–when you move to new places away from your old friends, you have to make new friends.  this can be a bit harder than the old days because now you have built up some walls of protection around you — and you do question things more often and you do follow rules a bit more.  this can make it even longer to become better friends with someone.  you analyze shit more –never a good thing to do –but the walls in your mind push you to question and analyze every move.  it is like riding a bike–you know how to make friends–but now you look to see what is around the corner –and this makes you pause, rather than a natural flow to the process.  so –what do you do?  you take it easy and do not stress over these trivial things.  even though walls are there and things take longer –the natural flow will still occur.  stop thinking and keep living.

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being mean

i am beginning to believe that this is all part of human nature.  we don’t want to be mean –it just happens.  and most of the time it happens in our own mind –so the rest of the world doesn’t even hear us being mean or they rarely know that we are being mean.  you see someone or hear someone saying something–and your mind quickly goes into action –and sometimes the thoughts that come into your mind are mean and critical thoughts about that person –it might even be “that was a stupid thing to do –what a dope”.  but most of the time you don’t say it aloud.  so the reality is we are all mean to other people at some point or another –and this is due to human nature and to your experiences in life.  it could be as simple as bad manners.  you were brought up with the best manners, for example, and you see someone chewing with their mouth open –and you immediately go to mean thoughts in your mind –but you do not say anything.  this is the most common example of being mean –you say these mean thoughts in your mind and the only thing you need to worry about is your self-guilt for saying these things.  you tell yourself–“don’t think those mean things about people –be a better person”.  the 2nd phase is the hard one –where you think mean thoughts and then you say them aloud –immediately altering the image of yourself in the eyes of others.  they start to think –“that is a mean person” –and thus your reputation as a mean person grows and you soon find yourself alone or hanging out with other mean people.  this is the hardest thing to master –almost to the point of changing your personality a bit.  if you are a hyper person like i am, then your mind races faster than your mouth and sometimes things slip out –because you want to make your comment right away –you often skip the part of making sure the comment is a good one to say aloud.  i do this all the time–at least once a week–where i say a stupid comment and think to myself –oh, shit! –did i just say a mean comment aloud.  but i have made some progress –i do find myself going through the comments in my mind and then skipping over them and not saying them aloud –knowing that they would hurt someone.  but i am not out of the woods yet –it must come with older age –where patience sets in and you begin to understand that it is better to listen most of the time rather than speak all the time.  each close call i have makes me think more about this process.  i need to slow down a bit and have fewer missteps -i need to practice more.

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control

i know it is hard, but we need to try and control people less.  when you try to control the actions of another person so that they fit the mold in your mind –only trouble can come from it.  if it is in your nature to control things –you need to break away from this natural inclination when it comes to people you love.  do not try to control them –let them figure things out for themselves because they do know what is the right thing to do –without you trying to tell them all the time or control them all the time.  you love them for many things that do not need control –and then you try to control a few things that you want changed, etc.  stop doing this.  i know it is hard to break these habits that have formed in your mind. you see an ideal in your mind and you want to live by that ideal and you want others to live by your ideal as well.  though it might be a good ideal –you might turn it into a negative ideal when you try to control folks.  ease back a bit and let things happen naturally.  if they love you, then they will try to please you by trying to live up to your ideal –just like you will try to live up to their ideals.  this is the way you create balance in a relationship. try to live up to each other’s ideals, but do not push and try to control things to reach these ideals.  a balance can be achieved if the understanding that each will try without control.  get it?  everything is a work in progress –so start slow.  that’s what I do.

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bullied

wake up–you are being bullied!  if someone is intimidating you with their words or actions –you are being bullied.  if you think being bullied is the norm and suddenly your gut tells you something is wrong –then you need to listen to your gut and get out of the bullying situation.  sometimes you are engaged in an activity or sport –and you think that the experiences you are having are normal –but have no clue because it is your first time doing this activity or sport.  then one day a light bulb goes off that something is not right with this activity or sport –you feel fear or a need to be careful –which should not be the case –then you have stumbled upon an unusal situation where you could be under the influence of a bully –or someone that has a big ego and needs to prove this ego over and over.  now, this person on the whole might be a nice person –cracking jokes, etc –but when engaged in the activity or sport –goes beyond the norm –and inflicts pain on you –which is not the norm –then this is a bullying situation or ego pumping situation.  it is then not a controlled situation –and you could get hurt –so get out.  life is too short to hang around bullies.

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get your ass kicked

i am finding that getting my ass kicked once in a while is good for me.  i am talking about life in the dojo again.  what a trip.  you pay money to literally get your ass kicked by the sensei.  at first i was scared shitless –i mean who wants to get punched in the face (of course with face protection on).  it freaks you out the first time and gives you flashbacks of 8th grade.  but as your time progresses in the dojo, you learn to accept it and actually start liking it.  this i believe is experiencing evolution real-time.  because if you remain scared shitless, you will in fact not progress in the arts of karate.  you need to embrace the ass-whipping!  that is what i did last night in the weekly ass kicking –and guess what–it worked–i enjoyed the whole thing. who would have thought that getting your ass kicked would be so much fun.  i mean the music is cranking and you and the master are going at it –he is trying to teach you and kick your ass at the same time–wild experience.  i feel more alive after this ritual and now realize that if i am ever going to reach black belt, i first need to embrace the ass kicking.  i am also sure this is not new info for boxers, etc –but to learn this first hand is pretty cool.  go join a dojo and get your ass kicked on a regular basis –quite liberating!  thanks sensei

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the dojo

the dojo is cool. it is a mix of american flags, ying and yang, U2 music, strobe lights, trophys, pictures of champions, mirrors, mats, cubbies for your shoes. it is a place where you learn shit that you have no idea about. it is a place where you find out more about how to use your body. it is a place where you gain confidence. it is a place where you meet cool people, providing that it is not some a-hole running the shop and fortunately in my case –the guy is cool. thus his dojo has a cool vibe and attracts other cool types –mostly musicians, surfers, carpenters –people that are used to using their hands–unlike me. each time in the dojo, i learn more. it is a fascinating experience to actually learn something new every week –but also to know that a new learning is guaranteed and expected. you also need the dojo master to be an exceptional teacher because if you do not understand what is trying to be taught in the dojo, then you will get lost. yes, there is discipline–but it is not extreme. do not go to a dojo with extreme discipline unless you need it. the dojo is cool –a bit strange, but still cool. try it , you only live once.

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